Tales from the Dark Mirror

So now I've gone and done it!  I've accepted the truth about my immune system being broken. Alas, I'm in need of repair. I caught a case of MS around about 2007.  I remember meeting it.  It showed up as vertigo and optic neuritis that lasted intensely for about 5 weeks.  Experiencing optic neuritis for the first time was surreal with everything majorly spinning.  I was in shock.  You see, I've never really been ill.  I'm a strong woman; birthed two amazing children at home, the first one in a tub @ a birthing center, then home & onto life. My second child I birthed alongside my bed, after waking from a good sleep.  I ate well, had babies well, and fed them the best milk I could make.  Managed my husband's career & ran the homefront while he went out and did the great career I helped him build for himself. He was an immigrant with limited English when we met, fresh from apartheid lifestyle.  On top of all this, I also toured and performed over 250 shows a year, for several years with my band of Friends. I certainly was an amazing woman.

Yup...on TV with superstars, my unique voice was on the radio, while I visited hundreds of thousands of students in schools all across America and eventually internationally. I drove all kinds of vehicles touring around, flown on jets & planes, won numerous awards for my essence & brilliance, and yet...debuted @ Carnegie Hall my original music Marley & Beethoven for a sold out house.  All the while, I was completely unaware of who I was.  I learned as a child how to be to please other people, namely my mother.  I also learned how to lie.  Now, if I've lied to you, or you feel that I've lied to you ever - sorry. Know that the lies I've had to tell myself in order to lie to others are the profound penance I deal with daily.

My escape has always been performing/jesting/clowning/singing/laughing & the preparing for execution of things I cannot ever do enough of. I mean, it's the happiest place I know to be! Like I explained to my mom around age 7 or 8, I wanna be happy when I grew up for a job.  Seriously, I've accomplished the greatest truth of me ever! Using my imagination has been my go to since before the womb experience.  I do clearly remember dreaming in my mother's womb & the watery quiet.  When I was very young, whenever I'd find myself in the perfect environment, usually somewhat cocooned, I'd simply close my eyes and watch the cells of my eyelids scurry about.  I knew it was my own self, my own cells....... I could feel them all over.  I didn't know about my anatomy, but I knew what I felt.  I loved knowing myself that way.  But being in a family, I had to change to fit in.  Nowadays kids can say that kinda stuff to adults & we cater to their brilliance, but in my day, the journey made you durable into your being.  Once I play acted a character - I was like i 5th grade, the year I discovered the feeling of the stage, that feighned Enter storytelling and lies.

Mary Willis, who was actually my great aunt even though I called her aunt Mary Willis, used to say to me, "Girl, you goin' to grow up to be a LiE-yah, yes in deed." She'd say liar and lawyer in an interchangeable kind of way. When she'd say that I was going to be this when I grew up, I'd think inside, why are you calling me a liar Auntie!!!?I was about 5. 'I don't want to be thatwhen I grow up! It's bad enough that I have to stand here and deal with you saying this shit to me - who I'm trying to love so much cause you're one of the fun relatives that I've met! Are youtrying to confuse me? I'm 5! I didn't lie to you about anything! You're just visiting....I like you....I'm happy....where's the lie in any of this?' 

This was what I learned during mu 0-7 most informative years. An early age lie. I loved Aunt Mary Willis most of the time, but when she would talk like this to me, I felt uncomfortable with myself. I no longer wanted to be around her, a person that I really liked seeing occassionally. I didn't like this lie of feeling both things; love for my Auntie who's actually my great aunt (not my lie, but my mother's) while hating her for such a connivingly twisted conversation. It was my first one that I can recollect, of a deceiving adult of influence. Why call me a lawyer/lier with an all of a sudden New England A - what's up with that? I'd feel and think that on the inside of myself, but how do you say those words when you're five years old? You don't.This is how I learned to lie - for self preservation. I learned to lie to myself to just be in my family, and mostly to please the head of my family, my mother. I really had to lie to her because she made it very clear to me when I was a toddler that all my pretending, messiness, imagining, time traveling, meditation and other unusual things that I did were unacceptable in her family. She was not that kind of parent. She'd often tell me that I was the youngest of hert hree children and she was very good at raising children because the two before me were wonderful in every way. I should be more like them - I shouldn't be so social! She'd caution that I'd be lucky to have one friend in my lifetime. She told me I should study harder because I was smarter than the other two and I should read more books. I should stop pretending and make believing up stuff. Okay! I hear you! But it was impossible to change myself. So I hid instead. My mom would 'clean' my room on occasion, and inadvertently destroy some kingdom I was creating or some land that I was living in as a time spool of thread. Hiding inside the happiness I could create for myself which was limitless.  

When I told my mother that I loved music and dancing, she arranged for both to be in my life of experiences, thanks for that, Mommy. Doing the best that she could, she looked amongst her resources to find someone to teach me piano. Unfortunately fortunately for me, the first teacher came out of my dysfunctional church in the human form of Brother Jenkins  

I'll talk about CHURCH in another blog post, but my childhood church was founded by a visionary Egomaniac who loved God, but like everyone else, was confused with who he was & where he came from. I remember as a child when the Jesus in my church changed from pale skinned to brown skinned, also the Last Supper scene changed. Before that, everything about worshiping the God whose image I'm made in was pale skinned. Not Native, African American or any representation of my culture, but whoops...I'm digressing.... My first piano teacher, Brother Jenkins, came from my A.M.E Zionist church. He was a gay man in the 70's with issues who was emotionally and mentally abusive to me in the privacy of our sacred time of piano. He was my second interaction with the instrument that I still love to play. My sister was the first & motivation for much of the music I make. I had to lie to get thru those lessons. Lying became, not just a habit, but a true lifestyle choice to manage and function, not just in my family, but in the world.  

Yeah. I'm not writing for pity, merely explanation & to hear myself talk out loud.  

I'm writing these things today to help introduce one of my new channels a very specific playlist on my new youtube channel, Robbi Halls World. I've been accused too may times to count of living in my own world, living on my own planet, not being in touch with reality where people are at since I was a child and I'm tired of it! I am special and living in my own world. NOW it's a trend, 'authentic' 'mindful' are the new buzz words. I'm tired of willing myself into a false state of bliss in an effort to be accepted by YOU.. I don't fucking care if you accept me or not. I don't care if my children like me. I don't care if my husband wants to be married to me anymore or not. I don't care if nobody wants to hire me for a job. I don't care if I have no money. I don't care if my skin is saggy or my hair is gray; I don't care. I have odd little behaviors that I can't ever explain, but I'm comfortable being who I am, being who I am because dealing with Multiple Sclerosis, I have to be who I am. I can't lie to the body that I've known so well since I received it and my mother made it for me. I love this body. I love me exactly how I am. Without one plea. 

It's been great to me so far. I'm having an amazing time on the planet since 1964. A date that some like to count and mark, I don't care cause everyday you wake is cause for celebration - but I did arrive here around that time of two awesome host parents from amazing roots and history. I'm sorry that they didn't tell me more, but being the youngest, there was a lot of things I wasn't told and a lot of privileges that I was granted because of my birth order. I can't say that those things have been a positive or negative. They just all are what makes me who I am. I know that who I am is awesome. I'm going to use technology as my muse for creativity. I'm not quite sure that I want to be a part of the Singularity that's already here - in case you didn't get the memo - but I'm here to participate in the human experience at this time. I'm gifted with a specialness of creativity to help others and mostly help myself have a great experience in this condition and dimension period. There's a lot of things that I'm learning and I'm very open to alchemy and the Greator's information. I'm using the tools and the medium of technology to communicate and be the teaching/performance artists that I have always been. So moving myself forward which is inevitable, it's a new kind of life work me, based on who I've become. It it wasn't for multiple sclerosis and now applying for disability, which means I don't have push to work because I actually can't work anymore doing what I do for money. A new chapter has begun. True Freedom.

I was diagnosed in March of 2014 a recent discovery about my humanoid sarcophagus, shortly after realizing that I'd been here already for 50 years :-) I was having a good time, so I thought up until the day I fell down on the ground.  I left my body to experience the weirdest sensation I've every felt.  Was it a stroke?  Am I about to die?  Is God there?  Am I alone?  Ask and ye shall receive, my dad used to mumble.  My world since 3/21/14 has been painfully - most of the time - shifting and reshaping.  I've asked my Creator or God for lack of a better word, to allow my inner Imhotep rise to relieve me of my physical mal-alignment. 

I'm flooded with answers & solutions to point that I lie to continue to be the Robbi you've come to know.  The Robbi I've come to know, I don't like so much anymore.  I miss the real me, so I'm taking a chance to be her again.  I've been homeless since Feb of 2016 - at first a curse when I found myself living in a homeless shelter for mentally ill women.  They thought I was crazy perhaps, when I would explain who I am, or thought I was, or had become.   Guided steps none the less. I'm grateful to the friends who share their loving homes with me; you've helped me help up by your kindness. Yes, I've lost material possessions, loved ones, money, friendships & relationships I enjoyed, as well as 60 pounds.  Ouch, but Amen.  I've changed.  I am not the same.  I'm taking time to really understand how MS, or really unhealthy living, can dictate your life. 

I'm flooded daily with memories of my childhood and the real beginning of my time here as Robbi.  I'm floored by what I'm finding out & reconnecting to, and yet concerned but no longer frightened about all that is. Which is wild because MS showed up in my life in 2007 with an extreme syndrome of Vertigo for about 5 weeks or more.  That's when the strong woman I had become from years of lying/living an amazing life caught up to the real truth of this planetary experience.  Life is truly what we make it and I made a doozy of life between proving to my mother, then to my husband, then to peers, relatives, colleagues, employers, clients and then onto complete strangers - how valuable I am.  

Not her intention for me I know, my mom was a smart, loving, generous, spiritual, survivor of truths & lies coexisting.  The secrets she kept from me paled in comparison to the lies she had to create & tell herself.  As with her mother, Nana.  As with her mother, Momma.  As with her mother's, the slave's who's name I was never taught to know.

I don't care really what anyone thinks about me. Your loss.  I don't care about my credit score, or train schedules.  Nouns challenge my ego, but I deal with them daily, with respect, humility, compassion, & love.  Forgive me if I've offended you.  I'm doing the best I can. Lucky for you especially, I've decided to do even better.

Okay, so I DO CARE ABOUT something today...I care about getting disability.  It's impossible to live without income, but the harder I try the harder it hits my spirit, body, & mind. My stress levels are out of control & what comes with that is devastating. I haven't been trying to take ownership of my symptoms because to me, that would have been an act of admitting defeat to a condition that I don't want to validate.  But like my mother was towards me; it is what it is.  I could not be changed unless I wanted to be changed.  I lied to myself to change.  As of this beautiful day that I've awaken to live, this time around I will night fight alongside my Creator for my body's health. 

I am tired.  It does hurt to think.  I can't see so great.  I'm frustrated, self-conscious, healing from allowing outside things inside that have hurt hurt hurt so much.  Hurt people here people, & I don't choose to be that at all.  I need what u call time & what I call space to work it out and re-align with the God that is within me, who's screaming ' hey!  I'm here!  Let me help!  Stop!  Let' go!'  

So, I'm gonna do just that.  I'm waiting to hear from the government if they'll grant me the hard earned money that I've paid into social security for my older self.  Hundred's of thousands of souls I've touched along the way, earning more than what money can buy.  Valuable beyond words.  Praises to my Creator, the creator of all things I know & learn.  I've got two shows only this year - coming up i the next couple of weeks, then I'm gonna go be quiet and change.  Change to accept the abundance of my amazing journey to date....and really, there's nothing that I need because God's got me.  

God also reminds me to remind you that 1) he's got you too 2) she's got the Whole World in Her Hands & 3) You can help me eat & survive, create & share, love & laugh by donating a few bucks to my endeavors during this nomadic era of me.  Just click here $50 goes a long way in South America, thank you for the $upport very much.  Join me on my Road to Renewal I have no idea where I'm headed! God's in charge or my feet :-)

   Worry is the wrong type of meditation & prayer.  I'm alway$ need help :-)  - $50 goes a long way when you have extra to share to those that have less; blessed be our abundance :)  Thanks for your support & curiosity.  You know I'm seriously silly, right? Njoy my videos, subscribe & follow me.  PayPalMe/RobbiHall Your gift helps me survive waiting tor disability to be granted - I've got to get thru the year, Masha'Allah

Leave a comment

    Add comment