It's officially here & moving into February....who woulda thunk it?!?!?!
Thinking of where to begin writing, to launch 2016 - my minds a flood. I needed to say good bye 2015 and all that I no longer want to hold onto as part of the definition of me. It's not just that 2016 is a fresh start, but it's the closure of 2015 that moves me the most. Luckily, I've been so good at moving onward, that I've nothing much to say about 2015 after all. I mean, It was a tough year for me. It was the year that my SELF caught up to MY. I thought all this time I was in sync with myself. It's just hard to truly be in sync with yourself when you live in denial, fear, pretend, and sadness. So for me, the ending of 2015 represented an opportunity to truly let shit go. For once and for all; Let it go and Let God - to be specific. To let go of all of the many fears I've been holding onto, year after year after year. To let go of shame, the wrong people, disappointment, hatred, anxiety, insecurity, judgement, incompleteness....the entire bunch of negative shit in my life, that's what's hip. Let me just say a lot of stuff I convinced myself was good for me, when it actually wasn't. I let it go!
I think that God, no matter how you define God, comes first in all we do and are. The love of God we feel within SELF, is where it's at. I was in a bit of denial about that concept - what a bad Christian I am, huh!....thought I was tight enough with God that I didn't need so many long conversations in the dark of the night. Thought I was so tight with the higher power that I could just intellectualize the power of the All Mighty - the great Wiz right?! - and control it & make it how I wanted. But, I can't. I've been choosing the wrong nouns to hold on to or let go of; I fail at that on a daily basis. Not wanting to beat myself up, I simply meditate, then pray for clarity. Meditating is still a lot of work for my noisy head. Clarity comes when it comes.
As the year ticked to a quiet, isolated close for me, I found myself by myself. At first, I was sad and weepy about my life. I blamed it on my beautiful MS. I blamed it on other people...shit! I even blamed my mother! I even blamed it on the ahhh---ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ca-hol......but no matter where I tried to 'blame it' - what I was feeling and going thru...the sadness, the depression, so much anger, loneliness...lack of self-worth.....no matter where I tried to place the blame...all roads led back to me.
Me, myself and I.
The word and concept of acceptance also a plague on me, atop all those other feelings... as the year migrated and matriculated forward...I too, matriculated and migrated forward - no thanks to self - it just happened. C'est la vie, non? With every flow of the sun and moon, I matriculate. Deciding to claim myself and all of the joy for me in life instead of the sadness was the pivotal point. A very easy shift in the psyche, I might add. Afterward. An empowering, subtle shift in self-choice. Hard to do unless you love yourself enough to be brave. I am brave.
Now, as I embark on the great month of February aka Black Employment Month - - I accept the power of my words creating the life I want to experience. I'm living it. I accept my gifts and blessings. I'm mos def going with them:) I accept the hurt, sadness and how time moves on, whether I want it to or not. I accept the beauty in life, particularly the beauty in my life. I'm abundantly blessed with goodness and God's favor. As sad as I initially felt about being diagnosed an incurable mystery disease...I'm blessed and empowered by the knowledge of it being in my life. Many many things we don't know in this world...many things we fear and block...so much running, hiding, lying, cheating, coping, relocating, judgement, guilt, consoling, mocking, self-deprecation to the nth degree.....sooooooo unnecessary.
These days, I'm dealing with only what's necessary to my forward motion. Joy. Love. Independence. Confidence. Gratitude. Love. Smiles. Music. Courage. Completeness. Unconditionality. MS. It's all about what you pick as your set of tools to work with. Life offers us too many options...some easier to chose than others. With the body I now better embrace and accept...I slow my rapid movements down to only the most careful and manifesting intentions. I accept the grace of God to be the best self I can be. I look forward to the morning as I pray thru the dark night. And I want this joy and self-awareness for my loved ones as well. The best I can do for those that I love is pray for them, wish them peace and good heath...nothing more needed to say.
There have been so many songs written about this topic, eh? Maybe I'll add few new ones to our soundtrack of life....or maybe I'll continue to share this good news to more children in more places; who knows?!?? But whatever opportunities God grants me, I'll accept with a leap of faith - towards the best self I can be. No fear. No judgement. Unconditional. Love filled. No regrets. Acceptance. Letting go. Letting God.